I have all the empathy in the world for those, including my younger self, who have been the victim of emotional, physical, and/or psychological abuse – especially as defenseless children.
In the past, I often blamed external factors for my struggles—my parents, boss, coworkers, and school bullies—believing they were the source of my sadness and failures. Comparing myself to others, born into seemingly advantageous circumstances, I felt trapped in a cycle of unworthiness, timidness, and fear of using my voice.
Personally, I was not able to fully heal until I was willing to step OUT of a victim mentality and INTO a space of empowerment as a co-creator of my life. Victimhood became my identity after years of not being able to process the trauma that I was holding onto as a child.
A victim mentality was the only way I could subconsciously protect myself from the pain that my emotional body did not know how to process.
My intention in writing this post is to shed light on a victim mentality with all the love in my heart. So, we can learn how to become aware of it within ourselves and be gentle with others who are feeling overcome by victimhood.
What Is Victim Mentality?
Victim mentality is a mindset in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the negative actions of others. It can be fueled by past trauma, betrayal, or codependency. People with a victim mentality often express a lot of negativities. There is usually significant pain and distress fueling this mindset.
When I was deep into my own victimhood, the reflex was always blaming, finger-pointing, and orchestrating pity parties for myself. No matter how I felt on the inside, it was always because of my circumstances, or someone else.
What Creates Victimhood?
In my experience, a victim mentality stems from trauma that’s so painful, the only available emotional coping mechanism is adopting a victim mentality. Most people with a victim mentality do not feel safe using their voice or do not feel confident protecting themselves.
Pros and Cons to a Victim Mentality
Why HAVE a Victim Mentality?
Looking back, it’s easy for me to see why I was so comfortable in my own self-victimization.
- When I was always the victim, I never had to take responsibility for anything! All I had to do was point out where responsibility should be taken. It always made me feel better, because I was SO scared of rejection.
- It was an easy way to get people to be at my service when I was a victim. Especially because I had a big heart, and people saw that. I did not necessarily want people to be at my service, but looking back, it was a perk I didn’t hate.
- People were less hard on me because they knew I had gone through a lot and did not want to add to any pain to what I was already experiencing.
- This one is not one I have experienced myself, but one I have learned from others. People walk on eggshells around them, which makes them feel powerful. It eases their inferiority complex temporarily.
- People notice you and check in on you, which makes you feel cared for.
- You can spin a web of constant drama and chaos, which actually becomes exciting and addicting to some.
- You will find yourself wanting to save people or be saved. You could find yourself on either ends of the spectrum.
- If you find yourself wanting to be saved, it is usually due to thriving off of attention & support that you never received as a child.
- If you find yourself wanting to save others, you are self-sabotaging your success by giving your power away to those who are not ready to grow with you. You are afraid of growth, so this self-sabotaging behavior keeps you feeling safe.
What are cons of a Victim Mentality?
- You’re disconnected from your true self, and you can feel it through anxiety and dis-ease.
- The inability to implement healthy boundaries.
- Cutting yourself off from the opportunity to create a life you love and share your gifts with the world.
- The inability to love yourself, forgive others, and create meaningful relationships – find true love.
- Holding yourself back from finding validation within yourself, versus endlessly searching for external validation from others – which most likely was not given to you as a child.
- The inability to value your voice and see yourself as the main character of your own life story.
15 Signs of a Victim Mentality
Here are some signs of victim mentality:
- Not seeking possible solutions.
- Blaming others and not taking responsibility for your own life.
- This one was a big one for me. You’re a perfectionist. Deep down, you know that you’ll never achieve perfection, so this is self-sabotaging behavior to keep you small (a classic protection mechanism of the ego).
- You feel like the only way your life will change is if other people and circumstances swoop in and save you.
- You feel life runs you, versus the other way around.
- You reject and all forms of criticism of ANY kind. Someone may be admiring you, but you find yourself bracing yourself for criticism. This was me 🙂
- You are highly triggered, and reactive. It is difficult to not take things personally.
- You always want to be somewhere you aren’t.
- You feel the world unsafe, unfair, and a hurtful place.
- Your worth is based on external validation.
- You are a hypochondriac.
- You find yourself lying to make others feel better, or to make your story more dramatized.
- You habitually blame others or the divine for your circumstances and how you feel.
- You are NEVER wrong.
- Your mind is always focused on what was done TO you. Never is it focused on what is done FOR you.
How to Overcome a Victim Mentality
- Awareness is key. Feeling guilty and beating yourself up for victim mentality will energetically dig you into a deeper hole. Simply observe your patterns, without judgment.
- Notice your thoughts. Anytime you find yourself pointing the finger at something else, point the finger inward. Ask yourself where the pain is coming from? What emotion does it feel like? Where are you holding onto it in your body?
- Understand that you had no control over what happened to you as a child. Hurt people, hurt people. It is time to forgive what was done to you. This step can take time, process, and lots of practice.
I have a special Forgiveness Cord Cutting Meditation below to help guide you through this process.
How to Overcome a Victim Mentality – Continued
- If you feel you are not ready to forgive, give yourself grace. I find writing the person I am feeling hurt by, a letter, helps prepare my energy for forgiveness. I write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I always burn the letter when I am finished. It’s important to get all the gunk OUT of the body.
- Remember, that you CAN re-parent yourself as an adult. You have full control over what you choose to tolerate (in yourself and with others) going forward.
- Set healthy boundaries, and do not enable unhealthy behavior.
- When problems arise, repeat the affirmation, “Everything is always working out for be, in divine orchestration and flow.”
- When you find yourself seeking validation from others, validate yourself. You will no longer seek validation from others after self-validating.
- Learn to say “no.” A lot. I say no to anything that isn’t a HECK YES!
- Learn to communicate that you are hurt from an EMPOWERED place by saying: “When you do XYZ, it makes me feel XYZ”. This takes the combativeness out of communication. People tend to react when they feel threatened 🙂
- Prioritize daily meditation. The root cause for Victim Mentality is due to you feeling disconnected from your true self. Meditation helped me peel back the layers to the magic that is the true me.
- Remember that you are given a new chance at life with each and every moment. Life extends beyond your past experiences. The pure you can be reborn on your terms, whenever you choose.
How to Handle Someone with Victim Mentality
- When confronted with someone in a victim mentality, it is essential to maintain firm and non-negotiable boundaries.
- Why? These individuals tend to drain your energy through an “attachment”, as I teach in my Kundalini Reiki Certification Course, Reiki Fulfilled.
- Alternatively, they might attempt to assign blame to you—either directly or indirectly—for the challenges they face in their relationship with themselves.
- It is very important for you to see through this behavior and realize that their actions have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
Believe me – I am still working on my boundaries to this day. They are a work in progress for me, too. I am learning to love myself enough to continuously reinforce a healthy environment – one where my family can thrive in.
We are human and setting boundaries takes time and practice. I hope this brought some awareness to your own life, so you can feel empowered to move forward with confidence.
Written by: Allie Pratt
If you’re ready for personalized support, if you’re tired of waiting to be picked and ready to pick yourself, join the waitlist to work with Allie one-on-one here.
