You know you need to set those boundaries in relationships, but sometimes it’s overwhelming figuring out where to start or what to say. More often than not, you end up retreating instead.
So, if you find yourself struggling to achieve balance and harmony in your life, establishing boundaries in relationships—whether it be your partner, friends, colleagues, or family members—is a wonderful step toward building healthy connections.
My intention is to provide you with a step-by-step guide on how to begin setting boundaries, along with the exact words to say.
By following this guide, you’ll be able to set boundaries in relationships with centeredness and confidence. Let’s dive in!
What Are Boundaries
A boundary is anything that uniquely defines you—your thoughts, your values, your feelings, your preferences, and your choices.
For example, if I asked you, “What is your favorite meal?” What would you respond with? It may be different from mine, which is chicken tacos.
That’s a boundary because it’s something that uniquely defines you and me. Even if our favorite meal preferences were both tacos, it’s still something that uniquely defines us.
The easiest way to describe a boundary is from one of my teachers, Teal Swan.
She explains, “The best way to understand boundaries is to think about those old television sets. Remember how it used to be all static, and then you’d take those two little wires and start wiggling them, and all of a sudden, you’d see this picture start to take shape. The first thing you’d see is a definition of an image popping out from the rest of the static. A boundary is nothing more than that definition. It’s what makes somebody a thing versus the rest of the static.”
Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships
Since a boundary is something that uniquely defines us, it carries an inherent identity. With this, our soul’s divine expression takes physical form through the part of the mind that mediates a sense of personal identity (aka – the ego).
Subsequently, this personal identity ignites divine will, emotion, and inspired action, so we can manifest and experience our soul expression in physical human form. This topic of boundaries relating to the ego, is one that many spiritual teachers dance around, because the ego gets a bad reputation.
So, it’s important we hit this head on. A boundary is a form of ego, that can either be healthy or unhealthy. Nevertheless, some level of ego is necessary to shape one’s identity in the physical world.
The act of setting healthy boundaries in relationships is a life skill that says, “I know what I want and need to thrive.” It allows you to create an environment that is healthy and well for yourself, so you can better serve others.
What Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Are Not
Firstly, setting a healthy boundary is not about expecting other people to change their behaviors to comply with what you want. A healthy boundary is not designed to control others. Rather, it is designed to help you stay true to who you are and what is right for you.
For instance, consider a scenario where you tell your partner, “You better quit drinking, or I am going to leave you.” This is one many of us can relate to.
What I’ve just done is communicated in a way that controls my spouse. Consequently, I’ve told them what to do, and this behavior reflects an unhealthy boundary.
What Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Are
Unlike the above, a healthy boundary would involve me clearly communicating my wants and needs, without trying to control my partner’s actions.
So, I may say something like, “I can only make myself available to someone who treats their body like a temple. If you want to drink, go ahead and do that. Your happiness is all that matters to me. Understand that the consequence is our compatibility. I am not available for it.”
Also, you can enhance healthy boundaries by giving the person an open door. That’s one of my favorite things to do with healthy boundaries is to say, “This is what I have chosen. This is what I need. This is what’s right for me. It may not be right for you, and that is okay. I will open the door wide open for you to walk through, if you are not aligned with what I need any longer.”
Healthy boundaries in relationships give your partner a choice whether to opt into or opt out of your needs and preferences, honoring their freedom.
Reinforcing Your Boundaries
Boundaries only work if you reinforce them. If your partner chooses to remain in your relationship, honoring your needs, then they have committed to begin treating their body like a temple.
When their habits and actions do not align with your healthy boundary, reinforce the boundary by opening the door for them to step out of. This is your sign that it is time to let them go, to make space for more aligned energy.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
Let’s dive into examples of boundaries in relationships, and how to set them with ease. One important thing to notice about these examples is how I am using language that calls in what you want, versus energy you do not want.
1. Saying No
“Thank you for the invitation. I’m not able to make it” or simply, “No”.
You may find yourself abandoning your own needs for other people’s desires, out of a fear of upsetting them or letting them down. Also, you may find yourself saying yes to things that are distractions, that go against your values, or force you to sacrifice something important. In these scenarios, it’s a beautiful thing to say no with grace.
Why is it a beautiful thing to say no with grace? A couple of reasons:
- When you say no with grace, it holds the vibration of love, and sends love to your relationship.
- Saying yes, when you mean no, sends dark energy to your relationship – whether you are conscious of it or not. So, it is best to remain honest in the realm of energetics.
2. Not Taking on Blame
“I understand you’re hurting, and I’m here to support you. I know this has nothing to do with me. Let’s remain accountable for our own emotions.”
From time to time, you may notice your relationships deflecting blame on you out of hurt or guilt. Remember, they’re pain is not yours to carry, and has nothing to do with you.
Be open to observing when others are manipulating your emotions. As a reminder, observing does not mean react 🙂 Just observe before responding from a neutral space.
4. Expressing Your Own Feelings & Opinions
“I respect your feelings/opinions. Your feelings/opinions are not my feelings/opinions. Please allow me to speak for myself.”
Clients come to me with the same question. How do I know the difference between my energy and other people’s energy? In relationships, energy can easily feel blurred, especially when you have someone who speaks on your behalf frequently.
When this happens, you will feel a disconnect in what the other person is saying in relation to what you are feeling. Kindly ask that they allow you to speak to your own emotions and personal truth.
5. Staying True to You
“I value our time together, but at the moment, I need some alone time to recharge” or “We may hold different opinions, and we don’t have to change each other’s minds. Let’s agree to honor one another.”
It’s essential to recognize that you are more than just a better half in a relationship. You are each a whole that comes together as two whole pieces.
Each of you have unique passions, interests, and wisdom. Embracing a sense of self that is distinct from your relationships is not only okay but, needed for personal growth and fulfillment.
6. Communicating Your Needs
“I don’t need you to solve my problems; I just need you to listen. Are you open to that?”.
If you’re anything like me—a fiercely independent soul—it might feel a bit awkward to outright ask for what you need. But hey, let’s face it, not everyone can read minds, and people appreciate it when you clearly spell out what you’re looking for.
So, why not embrace the power of communication? Expressing your needs not only cuts through the guessing game but also paves the way for the support you deserve.
7. Asking for Space
“I see that you’re upset, I’ll give you some space until we can communicate with respect” or “Currently, I need some time alone – I’d love to discuss this later” or “You’re important to me, so I need some space to process things right now”.
Sometimes, we just need some alone time to navigate through our emotions, thoughts, and triggers. Requesting space might seem odd to some, because it feels like you are pushing people away.
Have no fear, the examples above clearly convey that you’re still there, supporting your relationship. You’re simply taking a breather to acknowledge the lower energy within until you can calm your nervous system. Once your energy is realigned, you’re more than happy to reunite.
8. Communicating Discomfort & Sticking Up for Yourself
“I love myself as I am. I respect you, and I ask for the same respect in return.”
In relationships, a hurtful joke, control, or physical discomfort is bound to surface. When this happens, articulate your worth clearly. Let them know that you reinforce love, worth, and respect at all times.
9. Respecting Time
“I know I said I would be there at 8 PM. I am running late; would you like to reschedule?” or “When you are running late, could you let me know beforehand, so I am not worried about you?”
Respecting time reflects consideration for your schedules and commitments. It fosters a sense of reliability and trust in your relationship, ensuring everyone feels valued and their time is acknowledged.
Also, it is your right to decide how you spend your time, alone or apart. For example, maybe you don’t love going to Monday night football.
Establish that Monday nights are your alone time or your weekly yoga night with friends. This ensures you both are free to do things that bring you joy.
10. Physical Needs
“I am a vegetarian. Is there anything I can bring to dinner?” or “It is important for me to sleep in on Fridays. Would you be open to waking up with the kids on Friday’s? I am happy to return the favor a different day of the week.”
Learn to communicate what your body and soul crave, in alignment with your values. Then, ask how you can help your partner, too!
Figure out a flow that suits everyone, respecting each other’s natural rhythms and needs.
11. Spiritual Freedom
“I honor and respect your beliefs and spiritual growth; I ask for the same in return.”
Hold onto your beliefs, regardless of whether they align with your partner’s belief systems or not. Cheer on each other’s spiritual evolution and create a space where growth and differences are not just welcomed but celebrated.
12. The Need to Handle Negative Energy
“I want you to be happy and I’m realizing that I need help and space to process how I am feeling”.
Setting personal boundaries in relationships also means figuring out how you want to behave. It’s really important to deal with any unhealthy anger or resentment, so you’re not bringing low energy into shared spaces.
And, if you need, reach out to a friend or coach for help. Talk about those negative feelings, be honest about your mood, and let it out. It’s a great way to release the weight of toxic emotions.
13. The Ability to Change Your Mind
“I have a right to change my mind as I am continually growing and expanding into a healthier version of myself.”
Your choices are yours to make, and you have the option to make new ones. If you decide to change your mind, you have that right. If your partner makes you feel guilty about it, express the words above.
How to Set Boundaries in Relationships
To learn how to set boundaries in your relationships, perform the following steps. WARNING: Miracles will happen.
1. kindly remove yourself from the situation & find a space where you feel safe.
In order to avoid reactionary anger when setting boundaries in relationships, kindly remove yourself from the situation and find a quiet space. Remember, conflict is popping up to bring you clarity on what is and isn’t in alignment with you.
Relationships in your life help you get super clear on who you are. According to the law of attraction, if someone’s actions are out of alignment with your needs, wants and desires, it gives you a clear understanding of what is in alignment with you.
This conflict is great because it is an opportunity for you to gain clarity in who you are. And this realization serves as an opportunity for clarity, personal expansion, and new manifestations! Exciting right?!
2. Shift your focus to what you want, over how others are misbehaving in your reality.
While in isolation, ask yourself, “What am I feeling? How is this bringing clarity to what I want?” Really feel the feelings of what you want. You can even write them down in a journal.
Intention paired with elevated emotion is proven to change your reality. I have a case study explaining how this process changes DNA structures.
Traumas may surface in this phase that seem overwhelming. A certified healer, coach, or trauma therapist can help you nourish these traumas. I welcome you to join my waitlist here, if you ever need this type of support.
Continue with this process until your nervous system is calm and you have gained clarity on your wants and needs.
3. Communicate HOw you are feeling to your relationships so they can help advocate for you.
Firstly, express yourself honestly and assertively, using clear and respectful language. Next, share the boundaries you are establishing in a way that promotes understanding. Lastly, feel free to use one of the 13 examples above, to help guide your communication.
Below are some examples on how you can open up the conversation:
- I’ve been reflecting on my needs and boundaries, and I wanted to share them with you.
- I value our relationship, and I believe open communication is crucial. Can we discuss some boundaries that are important to me?
- I’ve been working on understanding myself better, and I’d like your support in establishing boundaries that align with our growth.
4.Notice manifestations occurring as evidence of your boundaries.
This is the fun part! Take deliberate note of the positive changes and outcomes that begin to unfold in your life as a result of the boundaries you’ve set and the clarity you’ve gained. This step involves actively observing and acknowledging manifestations that align with your authentic self and desires.
How to Notice Manifestations Occurring from Setting Boundaries in Relationships
Below are some of my favorite ways to celebrate manifestations coming to fruition:
- Keep a Manifestation Journal: Create a dedicated journal where you record instances of positive manifestations. Write down both significant and subtle changes. My favorite journal to help with this is called the Maniscripting Journal, linked here.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Recognize and celebrate even the smallest manifestations. Whether it’s improved communication in a relationship, or a positive shift in your emotional well-being, celebrate these wins as indicators of positive change. The Maniscripting Journal guides you to celebrate these wins, to bring more positive energy into your life!
- Visualize Your Desires: Regularly engage in visualization exercises. Picture yourself living the life you desire. This not only reinforces your intentions but also helps you stay focused on your intentions.
- Express Gratitude: Express thanks for the supportive relationships, personal growth, and manifestations aligning with your authentic self. Gratitude magnetizes your desires to you. Side note – the Maniscripting Journal also holds you accountable for tracking your gratitude daily.
- Reassess: Periodically review and adjust your boundaries in relationships. Personally, anytime I am faced with conflict, I use it as an opportunity to reassess my boundaries.
- Reflect on Synchronicities: Pay attention to synchronicities and meaningful “coincidences”. If you are reading this, you know there are no coincidences; there are only created outcomes. These can be powerful signs that you are on the right path.
In summary, setting healthy boundaries allows you to create an environment that is healthy and well for yourself, so you can better serve others.
Did you learn anything about boundaries in relationships from this post? Let me know below!
Written By: Allie Pratt
